Year Fourteen - 1980

On this year, many small changes happened and one big one...

At the start of this year I was still delivering papers for the Times Republican. The job was pretty boring and I had started to get a back issue from carrying over 100 papers a day. The Saturday edition was the only morning delivery and there was no Sunday edition at this point...One Saturday, I heard my papers being dropped off in my driveway around 3am. I was up....why not just go out and deliver the papers? So, I went about my route....which had me walking past a lot of basement apartments on the Plaza Drive area. I guess I scared someone when I walked by and they called the cops....It was pretty scary. They ran up to me with their flashlights all pointed at me.....and they called my parents to let them know their child was out delivering papers at 4am in the morning....I was not allowed to do that again.

Later, in the summer, my boss from the TR came to the house to tell me that they had chose to give my paper route to another carrier. And that I would be training that person.....I just handed over my paper bag and told them I would not be training anyone.....and they could do it themselves. That was the end of my paper route. My brothers both still ended up with routes for at least three more years.

The harassment of me at school was ongoing. Being dumped into a trash bin or having my locker slammed on me.....regular happenings. There were a few that would corner me one on one too. Follow me after school. And on one morning while we all waited outside in the cold for the school to open....one kid took out a pocket knife and held it to my throat. He demanded that I declare for the whole school that I was a "faggot". I refused. I somehow knew that this kid was not really going to cut me. I was upset, but I had got so used to this kind of treatment....I just wanted it to go away. One of the teacher's aids had witnessed this exchange and it caused me to be called to the Principal's office to give a statement. I also went to go see the school counselor. I told the old man school counselor that I was being called these names.....and what he said to me made me more confused than ever.... He said "I don't know why people would call you these names. I don't see you walking around the halls in a dress and high heeled shoes."

I had no idea what this old man was talking about. Inside, I knew that some of these comments were probably true....no matter how hateful they were to say or hear. But, I knew I did not want to be a woman. And I did not pretend or act like I was a woman. In this day and age, when we hear the stories of children being murdered over homophobia. I guess things have not changed too much in 30 years.

Because of the unwanted attention that I got in school, I tried my best to not get any attention at all. I kept quiet in classes. I did just enough to get by.....and no more. My teachers noticed this and they called in my mother to address the issue. I would score high on tests, but not participate in class or do much homework. My mother immediately insisted that I be tested for a learning disability. I had to go through a whole battery of tests and examinations. And the end result was that I was being "lazy". But, no one ever hit on what was really happening. And to top it all off, my mother seemed upset that I was not going to be placed in the special education classes in school.

At home, things were not much better. My parents had begun to argue on a regular basis. Usually over really mundane things. Both of my parents displayed some really immature behavior in these times. I have to keep in mind that my parents are both only 17 years older than me. So, they were 31 at this time. My mother could be very picky and demanding. My father could be really distant and dismissive. Both could be very self centered at these times. Well, my mother discovered that my dad had an affair. And that was the beginning of the end.

My mother was so upset. And ultimately obsessed with my father. She followed him. And then eventually she hired private investigators to follow him. I really don't know what she wanted to learn. The marriage was over. All of this information she got just made her more upset and hurt. My dad started a new life. He started dating. And my mother made sure to make the biggest production about the things she learned.....she called out many nights to husbands whose wives worked with my father to warn them that my father was now separated from her and he could be a threat to their marriage. And of course, my mother had me there by her side through all of this mess. At a time when I should have been protected from all this drama, my mother chose me to be her closest confidant. At the time I felt important and grown up to be hearing all of the sordid details. Today, I think what she did was nothing less than child abuse.

There was one place that was not horrible this year. I signed up for mixed chorus as one of my elective classes. In this class we would sing traditional and popular songs. We would prepare for two concerts a year. And in this year the instructor, Mrs. Wright, asked if anyone would want to sing a solo. Well, I loved to sing. I always sang in the car....to every song I heard on the radio. And I felt this could be a way for me to do something positive. Something people might appreciate. I went out and found sheet music to a few contemporary songs. I just did not know that the sheet music I bought was not the accompaniment, it was just the notes for the vocal. I ended up having to sing along with the original recording. The song was "Step by Step" by Eddie Rabbitt. It seemed to go over well. And it was really the first time I chose to stand out as an individual in front of a crowd and entertain.