This year starts in my last year at Anson Jr. High and will end up with me starting my Sophomore year at the Marshalltown High School. It's so exciting! Marshalltown had about fourteen grade schools, three Junior Highs and only one High School. So, all of the teens of Marshalltown eventually are all merged together into one building. One Super School, if you will....Go! Bobcats!
Finishing up at Anson Jr. High was just more continuation of what had been happening before....it seemed like it might have lessened up a bit. But, there was always one more shoe to drop....
I had mentioned that I took some sort of refuge in the mixed chorus classes I had been taking. I really liked Mrs. Wright and appreciated that she seemed to give me a chance when others did not even notice me at all. Which was what I was attempting to do most of the time anyway....be invisible. She encouraged me to audition for the school play. I did and was cast in a one line role....which I slept through the rehearsals for later that week and I was replaced. I would always go and visit with Mrs. Wright....and a lot of other kids did too. She was a straight shooter who would talk to you like you were an adult. So, when the kids taunting started up in the Fall, I was devastated by the comments I was hearing.....the bullies were laughing at me....and said they were talking to Mrs. Wright and she had mentioned feeling sorry for me "because I was so gay". I felt violated. Usually, the harassment only came from the kids.....now I was hearing that one of my favorite teachers was saying some of the same things! I did not want to believe it....but something inside me could actually visualize her saying something like that...not being mean....but actually, probably trying to get the kids to give me a break. And it backfired.
I went back to that same old guidance counselor who told me I could not be gay since I was not "walking around in high heeled shoes".....I did not know where else to turn. I mentioned to him about the incident and how upset it made me to think that it even could possibly be true. He did little to calm me. And really, I asked him not to address the Mrs. Wright....I did not want to discuss it anymore. But, just one hour later I was called to her classroom. Mrs. Wright had me sit down. She asked me if I had a problem with her. I told her I did not. And then she proceeded to tell me how she was mad that I would believe what I had heard. I told her I did not want to believe it.....but I had got so used to hearing these things. She basically ended this talk by telling me that I have to be stronger than that.....I was so embarrassed that I am not sure I even heard what else she said. Our friendship was ended though.....I never did feel comfortable talking with her like we used to....
It was at the end of this school year that some big things happened around me....There was a boy named David who lived in my neighborhood. He was a little overweight and kind of nerdy. He reached out to me a few times to be friends. And I basically just ignored those requests. I was not looking to create some kind of nerd posse. I wanted to be invisible, not part of a larger group of outcasts. I failed to see the solidarity in numbers. And near the end of my 9th grade year, David had a brain aneurism and died instantly. I carried around some guilt over not being nicer to him....I wondered what could have been different if I had made other choices.
Another person in my extended circle was a girl named Terri. She was also a bit of an outcast. She was involved in chorus and school theater. She was funny and she cutely teased me about singing "Step By Step"....she would do a little step, step dance and hum the tune....I did not mind being teased by her since she was not trying to be mean. She might have even been flirting a little. We got along well, but we were not really close. Over the summer, Terri also had an aneurism and died.
This made me really think about what was important. People could just die at a moments notice without any warning. It had happened twice in just a few short months. And seeing my mother take up so much time and energy fighting against my father....it just was a lot for a teenager. Even though all this was going on, it never occurred to me to be a "bad kid". One who would act out or do drugs......I just would not have known how to do that.....I was trying so hard to be good....and invisible. But invisible is like wanting to not be at all.....and even if a thought of suicide had crossed my mind, I knew I did not want to be dead. I think this time ended my fleeting thoughts of suicide forever. Death was never a viable option to deal with problems.
Another thing that happened this year, after what seemed like years of waiting.....Marshalltown got cable TV! We had an HBO box and then shortly afterward....full fledged cable TV! After my dad had left the house, I took over doing some of the light maintenance around the home. It was a big house that had been wired for our rooftop antenna....each room had an outlet to connect to the antenna.....well, after a little investigation of the wiring for the cable....I was able to connect the cable into the main house wiring and I enabled cable television through the whole house!
My television addiction was well established.....and having more channels just fed the beast all the more....but it would still take Marshalltown another year before it would get MTV. I mean even my grandparents in Olathe, KS had MTV!!! I was insatiable! I would stay up as late as possible and watch anything I could find on any channel.....
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